


Now I'm feeling all messed up

by lovestillaround



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (but there's still some hope), M/M, Mental Illness, a gory metaphor in the third paragraph, mentioned suicidal thoughts, negative thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-31 13:09:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21446725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: being ill can be frustrating
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	Now I'm feeling all messed up

He wishes he could do something. Literally. Just, turn on his laptop and watch some YouTube or go to the kitchen and grab some food or do the laundry because it’s been a while. Every time he tries to do anything, the only thing he achieves is getting frustrated.

He could only compare this feeling to getting soaked in the rain. It’s like going out during a storm and not being able to protect oneself from the weather. It’s being cold and uncomfortable, heavy clothes clinging to the skin, wet and disgusting. Wanting to hide but knowing there’s no shelter anywhere near.

On top of this feeling of deep dissatisfaction with himself, he has no focus, absolutely no focus. It’s like his brain is a mush and it’s slowly turning into a fog, but at the same time it feels like there are worms there, crawling and eating him alive, so he’s losing clarity, and so it hurts. God, it hurts. Pain is the major feeling, not even sadness, not anger, not shame, just this fucking pain that comes from only existing, and existing shouldn’t be hard, and certainly it shouldn’t be painful.

It’s so funny, how it’s a day like any other and he’s hurting so much, hurting for no reason, for absolutely no reason. He wants to die for no reason other than that it hurts. He doesn’t care about the future, he doesn’t think about the past, it all doesn’t matter, it’s so far away that it’s unreachable. All he has is the moment. Another funny thing is the fact that he can feel so numb and be in so much pain at the same time, it’s a weird dissonance that he will never understand.

He just wants to escape. He even went outside, trying to run away from it. It didn’t help, obviously, because you can’t escape your goddamn mind, and now he's only feeling tired and like he's barely able to move.

He wants to crawl out of his mind, but instead he decides to crawl out of bed.

It’s shaky – something is shaky, maybe his body or maybe the world, or maybe it’s all just an illusion. He’s feeling dizzy taking a shaky breath and for a moment, he isn’t sure if it’s a good idea to be standing, he doesn’t know if maybe he should rather lie down again.

His legs feel like he hasn’t been using them for a week, but he knows that it hasn’t been a week since he started feeling so bad. It’s been a couple days, how many exactly – he doesn’t know. Less than seven, for sure.

The door squeaks when he opens it, the stairs creak as he goes down, and Dan still wants to take his brain out and throw it away.

The worst thing is that he dreads something so easy as getting into the lounge. Phil is probably there and Dan isn’t sure if seeing him is going to make him feel better or worse. Being aware that such a problem exists is like a punch in the stomach, except it doesn’t last for a short moment, no. It feels like it lasts forever. It feels like this doubt will never go away, and now he feels guilty and like an awful boyfriend, like a terrible person, like someone who doesn’t deserve love or maybe even a life.

Phil must have heard Dan’s footsteps because Dan doesn’t even have to go to the lounge. Phil appears in front of him when Dan is on the last step of the stairs.

“Babe. Hello,” Phil says, gently, and then comes closer but not too close. He lets Dan decide whether he wants any physical contact today. He’s so good. He’s so good that Dan could cry, if only he didn’t feel nothing.

He steps forward though, leaving the stairs for good. He gets closer and briefly touches Phil’s hand.

“Did you want something from the kitchen?” Phil asks.

Dan shakes his head. It makes him dizzy again.

“You look tired,” Phil says. His voice sounds delicate and deep. “Wanna sit with me?”

Dan thinks that he looks probably not only tired, but also awful and pathetic, but he doesn’t comment on that. He doesn’t have enough energy to comment on that.

This time Phil steps closer, grabs Dan’s hand and pulls gently, experimentally.

Dan’s limbs feel limp, but he follows Phil onto the couch anyway.

*

He feels a little pathetic seeking out Phil’s warmth, clinging onto him like an overgrown koala.

Phil kisses his forehead and holds him, and he doesn’t act like he’s bothered. Maybe Dan should acknowledge that some of his thoughts are borderline paranoid. Maybe he should pay attention to what’s around him instead of listening to his sick brain - but it's so hard to do it.

He cuddles into Phil and growls from frustration because no amount of touch and care will shoo away the devil, and no amount of affection Phil shows him will make him believe that he’s worthy being loved.

At least, for now.

He has hope, he has support, and he has a brain that he doesn’t have to listen to.

**Author's Note:**

> title from _Lose Control_ by Glass Animals & Joey Bada$$


End file.
